Time to Hear from Me

I'm so sorry that others have taken over writing for me. Everything is just so raw and new, and I am so tired. I don't sleep at night, but then I doze off during the day. My most embarrassing moment was at Baby Doll's volleyball game. I was actually visiting with one of the moms I have known for a long time. I thought maybe I had just zoned out, but she said, "You need more sleep." And we shared a laugh. 

Yes, I still laugh. It's just that the laughter is fewer and further between. I know and understand that my Father in Heaven's plan is much better than the one I had, but that doesn't take away the intense longing to hold my sweetie's hand or to hear about his day at work. 

Today, I spent hours taking his clothes and shoes out of our closet. I don't know what I will do with all the extra room. He always had more clothes than me. He loved to dress up in his fedoras and colorful Jerry Garcia ties. He had about a dozen different dinner jackets and SO many shirts!! I gave some to the Dog Walker and the others boys are taking a few. We will take everything else out to Deseret Industries. They always told me they loved the bigger sizes, so this should really make them happy. 

My sweetie's best work friend brought home the contents of his office in 3 small boxes. He had a bunch of plaques and trophies, but he always said his most prized possessions were the 12 little frames that held pics of our kids. 

We are working hard to find a new normal. You know, we spent a week out of real life, planning and then having the funeral, but life didn't stop for those around us. More school assignments were given, more PTO was used, and even some unpaid leave. Now we are trying to catch up. Curly is pretty good, but Baby Doll still has some assignments to do. Some of her teachers were kind enough to excuse some of the busy work and that has helped too. 

Baby Doll has another volleyball game tomorrow and Friday is Senior Night at the Homecoming Game for Curly. Can you believe they only have away games left? It seems like the season just started. I have been so impressed with their teammates. Nearly all of the volleyball players (over 30 of them) showed up at the viewing at the same time!! They gave Baby Doll the love and support she needed at the perfect time. And Curly told me the team was showing up for the funeral, but I thought he meant the coaches and his friends. But as I stood up to follow the casket out of the room, I looked up and was greeted with this sea of football faces! Curly said about 45 out of 60 players were there to support him and that is saying something because they had to get out of school, dress nice, all of it. I stood with him at the door as they exited the church, each grabbing him in a giant bro hug. Why are those darn tears always so close to the surface??

So for now, while my feelings are still so raw and tender, I might just have someone else post for me. Please keep coming back and supporting my kids, because they are hurting too. How long does it take the pain to go away? I asked Scout to take my sweetie off speed dial today. Yesterday, I was at the mortuary again, going over financial stuff and choosing a marker for our grave. Today, some guy who went to high school with my sweetie called me for the second time since the funeral a week ago. BLOCK! Yeah. I need real life again. I don't really like this new normal.

My Sweetie's Funeral - Talk by Baby Doll

 

My papa was the coolest, silliest, and most loving man I have ever met. He always told me I was his favorite…. youngest daughter. I remember last year my dad and I went to go pick up Kiy and Jay's kids and take them to the Ockey Christmas party. On our way there I explained the plot of my favorite book series to him. Even though I don't think he had any interest in the story or even understood it, he let me ramble on about it. I just remember how loved and seen I felt by my dad in that moment. I can't wait to see him again and rant to him about random things. I love my dad and I hope to live in a way he would be proud of even if that is by doing random silly dances whenever the music plays at the end of a show, specifically NCIS or Hawaii 5 0. Or sitting on the porch to watch the sunset. I would like to end by telling one of my dad's favorite jokes. What do you call a row of rabbits walking backwards? A receding hairline.

My Sweetie's Funeral - Talk by Drama Queen

 This past week since hearing the news that dad had passed, I’ve been reminded that one of my best emotional coping skills is to sort things. Doesn’t really matter what: office supplies, toys, books, junk drawers: I find it soothing to help things find their place. There’s this hope that if I can just settle the world around me, then it will settle the world inside me too. So I’m gonna ask that you sort some things out with me today as I try to do justice in telling you about my dad.

My dad was an electrical engineer and his desk was always a mess. But I always thought it a bit of a beautiful mess. Once I got rid of the cherry Pepsi cans and dirty dishes and lost screwdrivers there were always the strangest little treasures that showed what dad was like: there was always at least one half built pine wood derby car because Dad loved working with the scouts. There would be pages of notes scribbled in the margins around power point slides - because whether it was a presentation at work or a talk for church, Dad was always spaced his thoughts out, knowing that the right words would come.

On dad’s desk would usually be a camera or two with memory cards stuffed full of pictures of us and the occasional slew of nature shots. I don’t think he ever won that photo contest at work, but I liked the random drives we’d all take up the mountains or down to the great salt lake to see if he could get a good shot. Pretty sure it was on one of those drives that we invented screaming at the bottom of our lungs when he looped around on the highway three times for us to go through the tunnels by Vivian park. The whole big van full of kids giggling and growling “uhhhhhhh” over and over and over while the biggest kid of us all was in the drivers seat.

On dad’s desk were books about programming and math and lasers. Between cleanings, new books would appear because Dad liked learning and being curious. Id sort them tallest to shortest and dust carefully around the modem while gathering up spilled seed packets. I am not a fan of bugs or dirt or even being outside so though I never wanted to take over the garden duties I was always impressed by how much my dad knew. He’d make plans in the winter: sketching how to rotate the crops around making sure he could grow enough tomatoes and green beans this year and more corn the next. My dad would spend hours and hours nurturing that garden growing somethings just to make one of us happy: like blue corn for Nates corn maze and Kohlrabi for me and rainbow chard for mom.

Dusting the loose seeds from behind the monitor is usually when I would find and then re-hide one of the lost army men from uncle Mike. I liked hiding them along the tops of the books so they could spy on dad’s keyboard. It was a secret silly game but I loved when dad would let me help set up the next sabotage. I liked knowing that grownups could still play with their siblings too.

On the shelf Above dad’s desk was a tower of mystery boxes: half done projects and tools for the million and one things on his list. Some of the times I most appreciated with my dad was when he’d let me lurk around as he worked on a project and he’d teach me what he was doing: replacing a toilet, wiring a fan, installing tile. Sanding down the hardwood every few years and pouring the new finish all by himself. He’d help anywhere and everywhere: driving down to grandmas just to mow her lawn. Helping Kira rebuild her bathroom. Building an apartment for Nate, completely redesigning the crazy pink house for me. And still at home his own work was never done. I don’t think there is a single thing in my parent’s house he hasn’t had to fix at least twice. I guess twelve kids can break a lot of stuff..

Which is probably why under dad’s desk was a never ending box of extra cords and busted headphones. But if I am at the point of contemplating going through dad’s cord box then that means there really isn’t anything left to sort. Dad was a problem solver. If he couldn’t figure it out: he’d think about it and research and come back to it with something new to try. And if the way I feel is still all tangled up, then I probably need to follow his example and just let it wait until the thoughts come.

My dad was an electrical engineer and his desk was always a mess, but there is one more thing on it that tells you about who my dad was. It’s a computer board. It’s been there for almost as long as me, and it’s one he worked on and helped design. I remember taking it to show and tell as a kid and explaining how my dad was not only as smart as a computer but smart enough to build them too. I used to run my fingers along the chips and solder points and marvel that all those tiny things could make something so good and so important.

And that’s what my dad was: a million tiny things: a million tiny ways that he showed his love to us. To me. He was so good and so important. He was truly a great man because of all the small and simple things. I love you dad. I miss you. Be safe.

My Sweetie's Funeral - Talk by the Dog Walker

 I wanted to give a little talk about how life had been going on while having Dad, along with discovering one unique thing about him. Some of you might know and some of you might not, but the day when Dad was born, August 28th, 1963 was the exact same day when Martin Luther King Jr. gave his famous speech, "I Have a Dream." I learned about that when I was in college. I told Grandma about that once, and she didn't even know about it at the time, but thought that it was amazing.

Even while attending college, he helped me with learning the most advanced college algebra, which I failed the class twice, but Dad had taught me not to give up. Even though math wasn't my strong suit, I was still able to pass the class the third time. Dad was quite a math wiz. Besides helping me out with college and many other goals, I also had to help Dad with a lot of things that he would teach me, like knowing which tires go for each of our cars. We always have to change tires every spring and fall before summer and winter, just for safety on the roads.

One of the best memories I had with Dad was when he helped me with my big merit badge accomplishment in Boy Scouts, which was to earn every merit badge that was available while I was in the program. However, I was really honored to be his partner when we were the cub masters for the Cub Scouts. It was always cool to come up with the different cheers and give out the rewards. The activities were also fun to watch, including the Pinewood Derby races both cars and boats. We did not only let the Cub Scouts make their own cars to enter, but also let the other kids join.

He also taught me one of the best ways to invite kids to join in something fun, like a corn maze every Halloween. He taught me about the basic ways to connect strands of lights and try not use too many plugs in one outlet. He always liked seeing the trick-or-treaters walk through the maze and then come to the door to get candy. He would want me to continue that tradition onto the next generation.

I'm going to miss a lot of things that Dad had taught me to love, like his cooking skills. He always made the most famous homemade improvised chili and homemade alfredo. Nobody makes them a lot better than he did, but Mom told me that we can still make those delicious entrees, by remembering all those good times we had with him. As long as we remember all the things he taught he, we can all have the feeling that he's still with us in our lives.

Dad was a loving man and I will miss him, but he also taught me to always look forward to the future and not dwell on the past, because that leads to true happiness. I'm sure that with his future up in heaven, he's been looking forward to seeing Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ again, along with seeing his mom and dad again. I just want to say we're grateful for Jesus Christ's Atonement and resurrection, so that someday, we'll see Dad again, along with many of our other ancestors. I say that in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.