Long Live the King

Overheard at my house:
Gym Rat – "Curly! Where are your pants?"
Scout – "He’s the king! He doesn’t have to wear pants!"

If I didn’t know better, I’d think she was familiar with the fairy tale, The Emperor’s New Clothes. I try to read all kinds of books to my kids, but honestly, some of those old fairy tales are pretty scary and, contrary to Disney, they don’t all turn out happily in the end. But back to our original discussion…if you are the king, can you really get away without wearing pants?

At my house, my sweetie gets to be the king. I know what you are thinking…what does that mean in today’s advanced society? He can’t really execute anyone (as in the "Off with their heads!" mentality), he can’t even have anyone flogged. And if he tried the stocks, I think DCFS might pay us a royal visit. But he does have certain inalienable rights as the reigning monarch. (Including adding all comments in red by royal decree...)

Copyright Good Housekeeping

He can demand a Diet Cherry Pepsi at any time of the day or night and receive it chilled and in hand within two minutes. He can order toast, cheese, or fruit from his room by simply calling "room service." He has first choice of vehicles after the queen and princesses have chosen their mounts for the day (not that any of them are even remotely the royal coach…hey wait, they might be powered by mice like Cinderella’s…oops, Disney version again). He gets first choice of the movie (as long as it’s pleasing unto at least a majority) we are watching or the radio station we are listening to.

If we are making something chocolate like cake or brownies, he ALWAYS gets the beater and the bowl. He is also allowed to snitch anything (before or after baking) without repercussions. He gets to veto the royal menu (except in cases of leftover turkey) and/or purchase anything at the grocery store that suits his fancy (but faces a royal tongue-lashing if he doesn’t get the best possible price if shopping alone…). When doling out punishments he can randomly take away cars or cell phones, computer and TV privileges, or he can completely limit the freedom of the perpetrator.

His meals are generally prepared in the royal kitchen and his clothes washed and folded in the royal laundry. As the reigning monarch he gets first choice of his throne (and I mean that on so many levels…) The royal accountant takes care of all of his financial affairs and his private secretary handles all of his calls and personal engagements. He is excused from almost any event he doesn’t want to attend (unless it’s really important - why are ward parties really important?). He is allowed to retire to the royal bedroom at any time. (The need for sleep before arising to slay dragons at dark-thirty is considered a flimsy excuse.)

For all of these privileges and so many more, he is required to turn over all of his personal property, including his inheritance and his substantial income to the royal coffers. He is required to provide an heir (he’s really good at that one!) to fill his royal shoes in the event that he is no longer able to perform his expected duties. And although the question has never come up, I’m pretty sure royal etiquette requires that he wear pants. (But come back tomorrow…I’ve got some great stories about the king’s pants for you!)

Pants are definitely required at Royal Weddings.